Too many people lose sight on what actually makes them happy and what they actually want to do with their life due to society norms or the pressure from social expectations. As if there’s only one way to experience life. One thing we need to get clear is, every social construct is made up.

When I tend to ask elders why they wanted children, it’s almost like they’re not be able to answer why… Almost like it was mandatory life rule to procreate – or some even try to avoid answering the question due to their inability to take accountability in their knowingness that they don’t know why.

What I’ve noticed in today’s society is a shift in mindset, especially in the generation’s millennials and gen-z – we’re making conscious decisions before having children. We’ve suffered so much generational trauma, lacked guidance from our elders and have done so much inner work ourselves that we realise being a human is hard in today’s society, so imagine trying to guide one for life.

I didn’t have the best childhood – I grew up watching my mum go through domestic abuse which I thought I could brush off. This affected my mental health and my state of being – it put me in a state of anxiety and a bit of survival mode at home, when home is meant to be my safe spot and I could never turn to my parents for guidance cause they would put me in the middle of their marriage issues which included financial issues, constant arguments and they would involve me and my siblings in the middle of their issues. I knew that I didn’t want to be like my dad or my mum. My dad was a immature grumpy man and my mum lacked self-love / self-worth. Being a first gen British born Filipino in the UK, I felt like I was just born to get them out of first world poverty and had no desire to do things in life out of ego, so overall was mildly depressed (without even knowing it) thinking what’s the point of life?

Disclaimer: I’m not telling my childhood for a pity party, but I want to spread awareness to any parents with great emphasis that every little thing your child sees can shape who they are and how they think and see the world and people, including your behaviour in your household. A parent’s job is to guide them through all stages of life and set an example – from childhood to teenagerhood to adulthood and to eventually let them go when they are ready whilst still moving with unconditional love for life – simple as.

This is not to put people off having children, I just think we have to think a little deeper and we realise it’s not an easy role to be a parent and having children. We all have the choice.

For the parents who do not even truly know why they wanted children cause it was a ‘life social norm’, then the only thing you can do is take full accountability and move forward with the mindset, ‘in all honesty I didn’t even know why, but I take full accountability and I want to break the cycle and teach my child how to be a mindful person and give them the world and move with unconditional love’.

I’ve noticed how parents with children can project onto childfree adults, but I also think childfree folks have to stop bragging about being childfree like it’s an achievement cause that automatically creates two sides of separation.

Another thing that bothers me is seeing parents who still gaslight their children or have expectations from their children – I see this still particularly in cultural family orientated backgrounds. If there’s any parents who brought their child and end up saying ‘after all I have done for you’ to the child in any phase in their life and expect something in return from their children, then I have little respect for you. This is what breaks the strength of the relationship between parents and their children and creates resentment.

Parents should know that they are accepting the lifelong responsibility of providing unconditional love and allowing your child the freedom to choose their own path. Hate to sound blunt but we’re in 2025 now and there’s no room for sugar coating anymore. The result of too many people with unhealed supressed trauma, having insecurities, not receiving enough love and end up moving with ego, and lacking respect to their opposite gender is because of bad parenting and the lack of role models. That’s one thing I have to set straight.

Here are some typical sayings that I’m sure we’ve all heard when we say we don’t want kids and here are my responses:

But you’ll regret it!
Response: Maybe, but I’d rather regret not having a child whilst still living a meaningful life on a personal level without ego and harming, than regret having a child that I can’t give my all on a mental, physical and spiritual level. If human life is so precious, then quality of life over quantity of life on the planet, no?

Who’s going to look after you when you get old?
Response: A child is not a retirement plan and this is a selfish reason to factor in for the justification of having children. On a personal front I already have plans in place for that such as saving for a care taker to live a peaceful life.

But don’t you want to give back?
Response: Give back to who? The economy? I didn’t know this man-made global scale pyramid scheme should be humans best friend. There’s 8 billion people on this planet and we’re like pests to this planet. It’s almost impossible to be a 100% moral human. Everything we do is harming the planet – whether that be the polyester we’re wearing, the plastic consumption we use, the car we are using, the planes we fly on our holidays, the meat we may eat, the toiletries we use which may have been tested on animals, oh the list goes on…

You’re so selfish!
Response: First thing that comes from a parent’s mouth is I want/wanted a child, funny how selfish can only work one-way.

What about your legacy?
Response: We are no special than the person next to you or the person stranded on an unnamed island – no one could care less about your surname so let’s get rid of that egotistical element to family ‘legacies’ because we’re all equal.

What’s funny is even if the conversation goes further and you’ve struck a nerve in people, the last thing people will respond with is either a lame insult or ‘who does this person think he/she is!’. To answer such a stupid question like that, I can only say… I think I’m Krusty the Clown from Simpsons and Squidward from Spongebob. Ask stupid questions, get stupid answers – simple.

I’m sorry if my tone is blunt but it can be frustrating to see people not understanding the bigger picture of generational trauma.

We need selfless parents

For all the parents who do take full accountability and responsibility, move with unconditional love and have emotional intelligence, healed all of their own traumas and have the right approach as a parent, as a lifetime guide and even eventually have that ‘parents-to-children best friend vibe’ through all stages of the child’s life, I salute you and I have so much respect for you.

I genuinely hope all of you have the full support and resources to live a happy heart-warming life to expose them to everything positive this world has to offer such as nature, seeing wildlife, seeing the different cultures and food, exposing them to all hobbies so they may find their passion, create genuine meaningful friendships and relationships and helping shape them become the best version they can be. It’s not an easy role to always put your children first mentally whilst navigating through your own life.

Let’s normalise not obliging people to have children and let’s all be accountable for our actions and our ways of thinking, and lets see more emotionally intelligent selfless parents who move with unconditional love ❤